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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27757771">Look outside and you'll see (disintegrating trees)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkpurpleblue/pseuds/pinkpurpleblue'>pinkpurpleblue</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Adventure Zone (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Barry Bluejeans Needs a Hug, Barry Bluejeans and Lup in Love, Campaign: Balance (The Adventure Zone), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I fuck up Taako real bad in this one, Kravitz and Taako in Love (The Adventure Zone), M/M, Magnus Burnsides Angst, Memory Loss, Overuse of italics, Protective Magnus Burnsides, Realistic sibling dynamic, Taako Has Issues (The Adventure Zone), Taako Has a Mental Breakdown (The Adventure Zone), Taako and Davenport got fucked over the most in terms of the whole voidfish thing, and I don't think it's explored enough</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:35:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,621</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27757771</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkpurpleblue/pseuds/pinkpurpleblue</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever since the Day of Story and Song, well, ever since he got his memories back really, his head was constantly fucked up. He forgets little things, just for a minute, like when he had walked into a certain room, where he set his stuff down. Sometimes more worryingly, his hair will get in his face and it hits him that he forgot to put it up that morning.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then it happens. He was reaching up to grab some seasonings from his cabinet, and suddenly there’s a pounding in his temples. The edges of his vision get blurry, except not a blur, it’s more like static. He sinks to his knees and he can’t recognize anything around him. He’s in a house and it feels wrong. His thoughts go by so fast he can’t hold onto them, trying to connect the dots of where he is, where he’s supposed to be.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Barry Bluejeans/Lup, Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>92</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p></p>
  <div class="resolved">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
</div><div>
  <p>The first time it happens, Taako’s alone. Later, he’ll be grateful for it. </p>
</div><p> </p>
<p>Ever since the Day of Story and Song, well, ever since he got his memories back really, his head was constantly fucked up. He forgets little things, just for a minute, like when he had walked into a certain room, where he set his stuff down. Sometimes more worryingly, his hair will get in his face and it hits him that he forgot to put it up that morning. He gets headaches, too. Sometimes they’re just a dull ache in the back of his skull, but other times they’re full-on migraines that leave him feeling like his head’s splitting open. He refuses to talk to Merle about it. Gods, he loves the guy (not that he’ll admit it), but that man was not a very good healer. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Instead, he casts blink just for the dark and quiet of the astral plane and when he can’t do that, he pops a few fantasy ibuprofen and goes about his day. If he wears sunglasses more often than he usually does, well he’s a fashionable guy, setting a trend. When he’s talking to Magnus over the stone about nostalgic bullshit and he forgets Roswell’s name for a hot second he just pretends he got distracted with something else until he remembers it. No big deal. He’s got a hot boyfriend and an amazing sister. He’s got his family back, and he’s not about to pop the happiness bubble. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then <em>it </em>happens. He was reaching up to grab some seasonings from his cabinet, and suddenly there’s a pounding in his temples. The edges of his vision get blurry, except not a blur, it’s more like static. He sinks to his knees and he can’t recognize anything around him. He’s in a house and it feels <em>wrong. </em>His thoughts go by so fast he can’t hold onto them, trying to connect the dots of where he is, where he’s supposed to be. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There’s supposed to be a...caravan? A nice one, with all his cookware, stashed neatly and- </p>
<p> </p>
<p>His head pounds. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Not a nice one, it’s a shitty one, if anything. There’s trash thrown all over the godsdamn place and the wood’s splintering, and he thinks he can feel someone that’s supposed to be next to him but they just keep flickering in and out like his imagination can’t decide if they’re supposed to be there or not. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There are incomprehensible pieces of memories that float by him and he can’t understand them. His whole head is fuzzy, filled with static that can’t decide what memories to cover up and what ones to leave alone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Krav? Lup?” He calls out weakly because the names are on the tip of his tongue, but he’s alone and he just- he can’t focus on <em> who </em>the names belong to. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then after a few minutes of agony, just as sudden as it started, it ends. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> He feels fine, like nothing even happened. His headache is gone, his vision is perfectly fine. He slowly picks himself up, putting most of his weight against the counter. There’s paprika spilled all over the fucking counter, and the floor. In a daze, he sweeps it up. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Krav gets home, the kitchen is clean, and Taako decides not to tell him. It’s fine, it was probably just a bad migraine that fucked with him a bit, no biggie. </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>His memory gets just a little shittier. Still just little things, but more frequently. And it’s not like he doesn’t remember at all, at most the knowledge comes back to him a minute later. 90 seconds at the most. He doesn’t worry about it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then he’s chatting with Angus about the new Caleb Cleveland novel, not really paying attention because he couldn’t care less about it, and he forgets Angus’ <em> name. </em> He goes to say it in some smarmy way, and it’s just <em> not there, </em>he should know it, it’s right there on the tip of his tongue. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Gotta go, kid.” He mumbles, instead of whatever remark he was about to make, and he books it. </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em> “What if she’s really gone?” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Who?” </em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>Right on time, it comes back to him just a few seconds after he’s practically sprinted back to his house. Angus, Ango, Agnes, how could he have forgotten that? Angus, Angus McDonald, boy detective, world’s greatest or whatever. Despite his efforts not to show it, he knows the kid’s name, so why did he forget it? Angus isn’t some guy he talked to for five minutes on a mission or whatever, he sees him almost every day. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Taako’s panicking now, he knows that, but it’s too familiar, losing a name and getting it back. He tears through his house, leaving a mess everywhere until he finds an empty notebook. Ironically, it was a gag gift from Angus, a blue notebook with a stereotypical cartoon of a wizard on the front that happened to look a lot like Taako. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He opens to the first page and scrambles for a pen. He puts a large header called DON’T FORGET, and writes frantically under it, trying for bullet points but getting messy unorganized writing. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ANGUS </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Angus McDonald </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> The kid, the boy detective  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> pain in the ass </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>  nicest kid too nice </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>  Angus his name is Angus </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>  kid picks up magic as quick as you did he’s so smart  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Angus McDonald </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Once he’s done carving into this notebook, he feels a little calmer, but he’s still shaking. He moves a few lines down. He can’t- he can’t do this again. He <em> won’t </em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> LUP  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Your sister  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> You have a sister you dummy </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Y  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s in the middle of writing when it happens again. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s almost exactly like the last time. His head threatens to split open and he can barely see through static. It hurts to read what’s on the paper in front of him but he does. He has a sister apparently, which is nice, he’s always wanted a sister, it felt so lonely to always be traveling on his own. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Except, he wasn’t. He wasn’t on his own because he had-has a sister. Why would he wish for a sister if he’s already got one? </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There’s another name, a kid. He knows a kid, is it his kid? That doesn’t seem right but why would he know some random kid? Maybe it’s his nephew? He can’t have a nephew, he doesn’t have any siblings. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Wait, that’s not right, he has a sister. He has a sister and he knows some random kid. He can’t think of anything else, he can’t focus on anything. He knows his name at the very fucking least. Taako, like food. Is that food? It is, like tortillas and shit. Why is he named after food? Maybe his sister would know. Does he still talk to her? </p>
<p> </p>
<p>No. He doesn’t. Because she left. No, she didn’t. She was...taken? But she left? </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There are snippets then, of his own grief, he can feel it crawling inside him, remnants of loss. Is his sister dead? That feels right but also wrong. Is the Angus kid dead too? Does he know anybody that isn’t dead? That seems the most familiar, like grief is something he’s felt over and over again a thousand times. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bile rises up in his throat and he only just makes it to the nearest trash can, everything seems to intensify. He’s pretty sure his skull is about to crack and his heart is beating way too fucking fast. His hands are shaking. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Right when he feels like he’s about to die, praying to three different gods he can’t remember, there’s a whole nostalgia he’s getting over the thought of himself dying which is insane. He’s going to drop dead right there on the floor without even knowing where he is. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Except suddenly his head clears. He can see again, he can think again. He sits there on the floor longer than he intends to, trying to figure out what the fuck is happening to him. It has to be the voidfish. There’s nothing else it could be, the moment his head clears feels too much like when he took a shot of ichor, both times. He needs to...he can’t talk to Lucretia, every time he even thinks about her all he can feel is anger and he doesn’t- he can’t trust himself to talk to her yet. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But he can’t-he can’t forget Lup again. Maybe Magnus? He’s the next best thing for a voidfish expert. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He sits on his bed for a full hour, his stone of farspeech in his hand. He goes to call Magnus at least three times before stopping himself. He tries to call Lup instead but he can’t bring himself to press the button. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Taako sets it down and chucks the trash can into another plane so he doesn’t have to clean it out. His hands are shaking as he lies down.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s asleep before Krav even gets home. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The list in his notebook has gotten longer. He went back and edited Angus’ bit so that it didn’t sound like a mental breakdown and he added everybody else. Everyone that he couldn’t afford to forget. It still reads like he’s insane. It starts with Angus, then his sister, Krav, then the rest of the IPRE (Even Lucretia).</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em> The rest are just dust. </em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>He also starts to write smaller notes in the margins, little ones. He keeps writing everything he’s beginning to forget. Soon the thing starts to get full of recipes and spells, he also writes down bits of stories that feel fuzzy; those get a special <b> <em>REAL?</em> </b> label right on top of the pages. Mostly because they feel clear, but so many of them contradict each other. He just can’t think about them too hard. The journal isn't exactly a feat of organization, he’s not Lucretia or anything, but it’s enough. He’s so grateful for it, and it becomes like a crutch to him, an anchor. He’s only had one episode since making the thing, but it clears away some of the static in his head. Gives him something to cling to until his head calms down. It gives him some control over the whole thing. Which is partly why he’s not in a rush to tell anybody. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Angus is staying over one day for magic lessons. The kid’s moving quickly through level one spells, Taako has to keep notes in his journal of which ones he’s already taught him and which one they’re on. He hasn’t forgotten yet, but it’s better to be safe. He glances quickly through it during their lesson, just to make a quick note that Angus is basically done with learning Detect Magic. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The kid is perceptive as ever though. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh! You started using the journal I gave you! What are you using it for?” He asks, practically jumping up at the thought of Taako using his gift. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I just use it to jot down some spells, recipes, things like that,” Taako responds with a dismissive hand wave. It’s a half-truth, which should hopefully appease the sometimes scary perception checks the kid makes. Taako wonders briefly if he should spell a password on the journal, but decides against it, considering that when he’s in an episode he wouldn’t remember it anyway. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>That night, after the kid leaves, the attack sneaks up on him. Lup and Barry were supposed to come over for dinner, but some necromantic cult called for all reapers on deck, so it’s just him. He’s had a small headache the whole day, but there’s no blankness when he tries to think of something so he figured it was a good day. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He must’ve jinxed himself. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>This time it’s slower, which sounds nicer but it’s worse. He can feel his awareness slipping away, can feel the confusion set in. At the very least he’s able to grab his notebook and flip it open. The last thing he does before the static takes over his thoughts is underline Lup’s name. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There’s an empty feeling inside his chest. Like there’s a million things missing in his head. First things first, this isn’t new, if the notebook opened up in front of him is right. None of the things written down ring a bell, but it keeps his head from pounding to go over it, mouth some of the names. He laughs for a whole minute at whatever fuck got stuck with the name Barry Bluejeans. He hopes for that guy's sake it’s a nickname. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There’s a note at the bottom of the page telling him that whatever is fucking up his brain right won’t last long, and to just wait it out, and also has a reminder to not try to place where he is right now. With that in mind, he slowly gets up, his legs threatening to buckle under him. After he’s sure he can walk, he glances around the dope-ass house he’s in. There’s a fleeting thought wondering if he owns it, but he shuts that shit down. </p>
<p>He starts to wander just a bit, hoping to find some fantasy Advil for the migraine he’s got going on right now. It gives him something to do, which he really needs given that he can feel himself panicking every time he tries to think about anything too hard. After a full minute of being too nervous to walk too far, he slumps himself right back on the ground and clutches the notebook. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Turns out it’s really hard to not think about anything and the static is back in full force. He flips through the notebook, but nothing settles the fuzziness in his head like the first page so he goes back to that. All the names seem important to him, and he can feel what’s supposed to be there when he reads them. There’s a stone on the counter that he might be able to reach. There’s gotta be some muscle memory left to punch the number in. Magnus might be a good idea. He feels safer at the thought of him even though there’s no actual memory to back it up. Lup also seems to be the most important person written down. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It takes him forever to get over to the counter without falling over or throwing up, and even then the room is spinning by the time he sits back down. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>With a deep breath, he dials the first number he can think of. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There’s no answer. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>His memory comes back slowly, and he’s shaky when he goes to bed that night. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey Taquito, saw you called earlier, what’s up? “ Lup’s voice comes over the stone, she hasn’t called him Taquito in a while, must be in a sentimental mood.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Eh nothing, just wanted to know how your whole reaping souls thing was coming along.” He lies.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He falls asleep after hearing her regale him with the story of what happened, with details that she definitely was not meant to be telling him. </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>“Hey babe, did you get the breadcrumbs from the store?” Kravitz asks him, looking through the groceries as he puts them away. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Taako tries to keep from smacking himself on the forehead. He’d been doing well lately, so when he went to the store for like four things, he hadn’t bothered to write them down. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“They were out.” He lies. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh.” Krav frowns, “I’m sorry, I know you were looking forward to making that pudding.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Eh, it’s alright, I’m Taako, from TV. I can figure something else out.” He says, making a mental note to check his notebook for something else he can make. There’s a few off the top of his head, but he wants to make sure. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Maybe Lup could bring some dessert? Last time we visited, she had made that one. The sweet thing with the cinnamon?” Krav snaps his fingers, looking for the name. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Churros, dear, and <em> I </em> could make those, it’s our-” He clears his throat, “It’s our uh,” Who did they get that recipe from? It feels important. It’s someone’s recipe. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hmm?” Kravitz looks up at him curiously. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Taako’s head starts to ache and he rubs his temples. He sets the grocery bag he was holding down, trying to get his head straight. He stops reaching for the memory of whose recipe it was and breathes in and out slowly. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Taako?” Krav rushes over to him and Taako realizes he’s doubled over and his headache isn’t going away. Panic races through him as he realizes he's gonna have an episode right in front of Kravitz. Shit. Static starts to blur the edges of his vision.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Krav, babe-” He says, his breath quickening, “Notebook, I need- please.” He hasn’t had an attack without the help of his notebook in a while, and he’s not in a rush to get back to how it was before he had it. He sinks to the ground, his legs not solid enough to stand on. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He can feel himself slipping away, static blurring what he recognizes and what he doesn’t. There’s someone shoving a notebook in his hands. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Here, Taako, what’s going on, are you alright?” The man asks. The most beautiful man that Taako has ever seen. He’d ask if the guy was single if his skull wasn’t currently cracking open. He opens the notebook, a sense of urgency flooding through him and he reads the first page, full of names in bold, some underlined. He reads carefully down the list, his head clearing slightly with each name. He shuts his eyes and leans his head back against the wood of a kitchen counter behind him. His head is still throbbing as he tries to piece things together. Wait it out, the notebook said, don’t try to place where you are. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Taako, what is this?” The man sitting next to him says worriedly, and Taako opens his eyes to see him reading through the notebook. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t…” Taako’s hands feel cold. Numb. He feels like he’s floating. “Can you- I need… the first page. Read it to me.” He feels a bit bad ordering a stranger around, but he feels like shit right now and that piece of paper is his lifeline. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Taako do you not remember-” The man starts, and Taako’s head clears for just a moment. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Shit- you’re probably- fuck, read yours first.” He says as he realizes that the handsome man isn’t a stranger, he’s one of the people on the list, Taako just can’t remember which one. “Please.”  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The man swallows, his eyes widen in concern before flicking back to the page. “Kravitz.” His voice cracks. “Your boyfriend. An emissary of death aka the Raven Queen, which is just a fancy way of saying he’s a reaper. Works with your sister, Lup, and her husband, Barry. You met him at Lucas’ lab when he was all crystal.” The man, Kravitz, reads. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The fog in his head subsides just enough for Taako to nod along, he doesn’t remember any of it, but it sounds right. “You...look like...salt.” He murmurs because it feels familiar. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You-” Kravitz reads, his breath hitching partway through the word, “You love him.” He finishes. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He sounds like he’s crying. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Taako’s used to everything coming back slowly by now, things slotting themselves back in piece by piece. This time he’s blindsided by everything slamming back into him at once. Having Krav there as a physical anchor of a chunk of memories seems to open the floodgates for it all to clunkily fit itself together. He clutches his head, waiting for the new burst of pain to fade away, which it does, slowly going back to the regular ache that seemed to live in his temples. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He clamps his hand over his mouth and shoots up, his head spinning as he almost topples forward. Krav catches him, and Taako leans on him during his run to the sink, falling over it as his stomach works to right itself. Krav runs his hands through his hair, gathering it up in a gentle hold. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Can you stand?” Krav asks as he finishes puking. He nods, leaning on the counter. Krav returns quickly, a stone in his hand. “Do you- are you-” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m back, yeah,” Taako says, sheepishly. Like he’d gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar, except in this case the cookie jar was an incredibly concerning condition that left him confused with no memories. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You scared me, Taako, and you knew this could happen- you have a whole journal with- I just-” he sighs, “I love you, just- hold on, I have to call Lup and Barry.” He says, before dialing a number on the stone. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Taako weakly swipes at the hand holding the stone, “Wait, babe-”<br/><br/></p>
<p>“Don’t.” He replies curtly, “Lup, I need you and Barry to come over, now. No, it’s not a job, it’s about Taako.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re gonna worry her-” Taako starts.</p>
<p>“She should be worried!” Kravitz says, setting the stone down. They both go quiet, and Krav silently offers his arm. Taako takes it, leaning heavily on him as they walk to the living room. He stops to bend down carefully and pick up his notebook, clinging to it as tightly as he’s clinging to Kravitz. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Just as he settles on the couch, an otherworldly looking tear in the fabric of reality rips into their home. Lup, followed by Barry, walking out of it. Lup’s face is scrunched up in worry. Her eyes land on Kravitz first. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Where’s my brother?”</p>

<p></p><div>
  <p> </p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Taako makes a quick pros and cons list of the current situation. Pros, his headache’s almost completely gone, he’s snuggled up to his hot and loving boyfriend, and his sister and his brother in law are here for dinner. Cons, he’s pretty sure Lup will literally murder him once he tells her he’s been hiding something from her.</p>
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    <p> </p>
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</div><p>Taako makes a quick pros and cons list of the current situation. Pros, his headache’s almost completely gone, he’s snuggled up to his hot and loving boyfriend, and his sister and his brother in law are here for dinner. Cons, he’s pretty sure Lup will literally murder him once he tells her he’s been hiding something from her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kravitz had stepped out of the way to reveal Taako slumped on the couch after she’d asked where her brother was. Taako’s still recovering from his particularly harrowing episode of fucked-up-head disease, and he’s sure he looks it, too, because Lup immediately chucks her robe on the loveseat and settles beside him. He’d be annoyed, but the way she leans into him is familiar and comfortable. It takes a minute for those memories to settle correctly, the ones with her actually in them bubbling up to the surface. The edited ones, the ones where there’s nothing but cold at his side slowly fade out. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Tell me what’s up, Taquito. You leave anything out and I’ll get Merle to zone of truth your ass, you know I will.” She pokes him in the side and he squirms away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Listen, it’s not really a big deal.” He starts, knowing fully well that it is a big deal. “I’m just still a little fucked up from the whole voidfish thing. Sometimes it just takes my brain a moment to catch up y’know?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Taako.” Kravitz says, an edge to his voice, “You couldn’t remember where you were or who anybody was and then threw up in the sink, so forgive us if we interpret this as <em> a big deal </em>.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Don’t use your reaper tone on me.” Taako mumbles at the same time as Lup hitting him in the shoulder and shouting “You did <em> what </em>?”  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Taako winces slightly at the glare of his sister, amazed at how scary she could still be even when her face isn’t a skull. He opens his mouth to respond, then realizes he doesn’t exactly have a good defense prepared for this whole thing. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Taako, you shouldn’t be experiencing any side effects of the voidfish, that’s- it’s just- that’s not how it’s supposed to work. You should have told us.” Barry says, standing near Krav on the other side of the couch. There’s a deep crease in his eyebrows and his voice is wavering. Great, not only has Taako worried his boyfriend and his sister, but he’s also giving his dork-ass brother-in-law a crisis. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“How long have you been having these episodes? When did they start?” Krav asks, exchanging some kind of look with Barry. Taako squints. When had they gotten so close? Only Lup and him were allowed to have silent conversations, it was more a sibling thing. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Episodes plural?” Lup glares, her hand smacking at his shoulder again. He considers shaming her for hitting someone with an illness but figures that it’s not the time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With a big sigh, Taako leans forward and snatches his notebook off the coffee table in front of them. He silently hands it to his sister and nervously pulls at the ends of his hair. He blinks. He’d forgotten to put it up again. He had bought fancy new clips and everything. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lup takes a minute to flip through the book, skimming through some pages and reading carefully through others. Kravitz moves over so that Barry can sit down and read over her shoulder. Taako has the urge to snatch the thing out of her hands, considering he hadn’t exactly filtered any of his thoughts that he had written down. His entire jumbled thought process was right there, on paper. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So,” Barry looks up at him, his expression more clinical, “You’re experiencing regular memory loss outside of these episodes?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I mean <em> memory loss </em>is a strong term for it-” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Are you, outside of your episodes, unable to recall certain things such as names and events?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay, well if you’re turning the screws, <em> Barold</em>, then yes.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lup swallows and slams the book shut before holding her head in her hands. She’s taking quick breaths, which to anyone that hadn’t spent a century with her would probably interpret as her crying, but to Taako and Barry, it’s a warning sign to lean away from her. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“1-10, ‘Lupa,” Taako says, moving to the arm of the couch. He knows she wouldn’t seriously hurt him, but he wants some space for her to be able to shout at him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She calmly looks up at him, her eyes fire, and blows hair out of her face. “About a 9, and almost all of it is directed your way, <em> Taki </em>.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay, not a fan of the tone on the ol’ nickname there, but listen-”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I <em> will </em> set your couch on fire.” She glares.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Please, not while we’re sitting on it…” Barry says softly. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She sighs and leans forward. “Okay, so we need to call everybody, I’ll call Merle and Magnus.” She looks at Barry, “Babe, can you get Dav? I’m not sure if he’s out sailing or not. I’ll have Magnus call Luce-” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Woah, hey, I don’t think we need to get the whole calvary in on this.” Taako grabs her arm as she reaches for her stone of farspeech. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You are seriously overestimating my ability to not hit you right now.” She snaps. “Do you not realize how concerning this is?” She holds up the notebook with her other hand, waving it around dramatically. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Y’know how it is when you get older, your memory starts to go-”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We are barely middle-aged by elf standards!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, when you add in the hundred years-” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She smacks him on the head with the notebook. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay! Yes, it’s a little concerning, but do we need to call everybody? Can’t we just get Merle over? He <em> is </em> the cleric.” Taako says, rubbing his head. She didn’t hit him as hard as she could have, but his headache jumps up at the chance to start again. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It might not be <em> just </em> a medical issue, Taako.” Barry says, “If it has to do with the voidfish, we need to get the others.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Then call Magnus! He’s like the voidfish expert.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em> Is this about Lucretia?” </em> Lup asks, switching to Elvish. “ <em> Because you know we have to call her, she has the most experience using the voidfish.”  </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em> Yeah, I’m aware of that, considering I’m one of the people she used to the voidfish on,” </em>Taako responds sharply but in fantasy Spanish instead of Elvish. Barry knows Elvish (though his accent sucks) and Taako doesn’t want to have this discussion with him listening in. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em> That’s not fair, </em> ” Lup says, switching to fantasy Spanish with him. “ <em> You know she- </em>”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em> Will people stop saying that to me?” </em> He snaps, standing up, <em> “Because I get it! I do. I get that things were shit and she did what she thought was right. But I lost everything! And now-” </em> He’s shouting now, his voice cracking. <em> “Now, I keep losing it all over again and I can’t stop it! And that-” </em> He points to the notebook, lying innocently on the coffee table, <em> “-is the only thing that makes it so I don’t forget my own sister’s name, again! And that is terrifying!”  </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em> So let us help you! </em> ” She shouts right back, standing up to look him in the eye. “ <em> You’re not alone, you never have been!” </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> “But I was! You don’t get it!” </em> He ignores the way his eyes are starting to burn, and out of the corner of his eye, he sees Barry put his arm on Kravitz’s shoulder, keeping him from interfering. “ <em> I have a whole version of my life up here, in my mind, where you never existed, and it sucked! And whenever you’re not standing right in front of me I can’t remember which version is real!”  </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>She sucks in a breath, <em> “I didn’t…” </em> <em><br/><br/></em></p>
<p><em> “What if I’m just going crazy, huh? Because that’s how I feel sometimes; like I just made you up so I didn’t have to go through my fucked up childhood alone. Which is so fucking pathetic, it’s right on brand!” </em>His throat is raw now. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He blinks and his sister is slamming into him, her arms wrapped around his neck so tight he can barely breathe. There’s a wet patch forming on his shirt. He automatically slings his hands around her middle. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We’re calling Merle and Magnus.” She switches back to common, whispering in his ear, “And I- we can hold off on Lucretia for now. Davenport will probably take a while to find anyway, but- I, you’re not- we-” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay.” He responds simply, burying his head in her shoulder. Gods, it feels so right, having a sister. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She swats her hand at the air near Barry, who promptly nods and takes his stone into the other room, nudging Krav to come with him. Krav glances at Taako nervously before following him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>They hug for so long that Taako's arms get tired.</p>
<p> </p>
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<p>Magnus is the first one to arrive the next day. His armor is dangling off him and he has rail-splitter strapped to his back instead of the much heavier sword, which suggests he got the call and rushed over to Taako’s house. Which, while being very in character for Magnus, was exactly the kind of thing Taako had wanted to avoid. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, guys!” He greets, clapping Lup on the shoulder and pulling Barry into a bear hug. He looks over Taako like he’s checking for injuries. “So what’s going on? Barry went all sciency on the stone, so I didn’t catch a lot of it.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You want some breakfast, Maggie?” Taako says, not stalling the conversation at all. There were still a few tortillas on the counter, along with some leftover scrambled eggs and diced potatoes. Taako had wanted to make omelets, but he couldn’t remember how and he didn’t want to consult the notebook in front of Lup, so he just went for the most familiar breakfast he could. It was the best he could do, with his shitty memory and lack of ingredients.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ll make him a plate,” Kravitz says, the sly bastard. He slinks toward the kitchen, kissing Taako on the cheek before he goes. “<em> You </em> can fill him in on what’s going on.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Taako crosses his arms, taking a long breath. Too long apparently, as Lup slides up next to him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Taako’s still under the effects of the voidfish.” She states, her arms crossed. Magnus’ eyes widen considerably. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Like- completely? Because there’s a lot of things in this room that should be nothing but static.” He says, gesturing towards Lup specifically.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No, it’s just like every so often, my memory goes, uh, kaput,” Taako interjects, finishing his sentence with a vague hand gesture. Magnus’ jaw drops.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Holy shit, Taako, that’s not- how long has it been going on?” He asks, a pitying look in his eyes. Taako shrinks back at that. If there’s one thing he doesn’t want, it’s pity. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t know,” He thinks back. His memory is still shit even when he’s not having an episode, so it takes a minute for any sort of correlation to pop up. “When did you get Steven that new tank? The first episode or whatever was around then.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That was <em> six months </em>ago, Taako!” Magnus shouts in surprise. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, then it started six months ago!” Taako shouts back defensively. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And what- you just forget everything the voidfish ate, like all over again?” Magnus continues, his brow creasing.<br/><br/></p>
<p>“More than that,” Lup says before Taako can come in and undersell it. “He doesn’t remember where he is, when he is, <em> who </em> anybody is-”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That’s a little dramatic,” Taako interrupts, speaking over her. “I remember <em> some </em> things.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Six months!” Magnus repeats incredulously. “Why didn’t you tell anybody?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ve only recently been informed that it’s a big deal!” Taako answers, digging his nails into his arms. “So if we could move on, that would be very much appreciated.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kravitz thankfully takes this moment to come back to the kitchen, a giant plate in his hands that he hands to Magnus, who thanks him politely.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay,” Magnus says after taking a large bite, “When-”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Did you wanna sit down?” Taako interjects, gesturing to the breakfast bar. They’re all hovering awkwardly in the foyer, due to the fact that Magnus had started his interrogation as soon as he stepped in the door. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Magnus shoots him a look and with a small shake of his head, starts toward the bar. Lup tugs on Taako’s ear as she walks by and he slaps her hand, going to follow after them. Magnus and Barry end up settling on the barstools, Lup standing next to her husband, resting her arm on his shoulder. Taako and Kravitz stand on the other side of the breakfast bar, Kravitz nursing a giant mug of fantasy coffee. Taako starts to tug on the ends of his hair, but quickly changes to braiding it nervously. Lup flashes him a quick look, trying to hide her concern.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay,” Magnus says after taking another giant bite of food, “So when are the others getting here?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Merle will get here later today, he had to find a babysitter,” Barry explains, taking a small mug of fantasy coffee from Krav. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What about Luce and Cap’nport?” The fighter asks, stopping to shovel a mountain of diced potato into his mouth. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, we didn’t call them,” Taako says confidently, lifting his head a little, daring him to question it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Magnus understandably calls his bluff. “You’ve been dealing with memory issues for the last six months and you didn’t call our captain or the woman who has the most knowledge about the voidfish?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah well, y’know Dav’s hard to get ahold of-”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“The man sends letters every week, and you <em> have </em> his stone number-”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And I don’t want to see <em> her </em>.” Taako finishes hoping to end the conversation.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Magnus shuts his mouth, staring down at his plate for a moment. It wasn’t like they had <em> fought </em> about Lucretia or anything, but Magnus was quick to forgive her, having said that even though it was kinda shitty, he wouldn’t have met Julia if she hadn’t mindwiped them all. It wasn’t even that Taako didn’t <em> want </em> to forgive Lucretia, but he just can’t get past the anger he feels every time he thinks about her. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kravtiz takes an awkward sip of his coffee.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We’re gonna have Merle check him over, see if there’s anything medically wrong with him that can be fixed.” Barry thankfully says, changing the subject.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And if it’s not medical?” Magnus takes to the new topic gratefully.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Then we call Luce and Dav,” Lup answers, running a hand through her hair. “But if it isn’t medical, then I don’t get why Taako’s the only one being affected.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re not having any problems, Magnus? Merle said he was fine when I talked to him yesterday, and I haven’t noticed anything.” Barry asks, not outright talking about how Lup was never affected by the voidfish.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well uh,” Magnus stutters, “Not <em> exactly</em>, but-”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ha!” Taako points at him, looking at Lup “See? Yell at him for not saying anything earlier!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s probably not anything!” Magnus defends, “I don’t know, it’s not really anything like what you’ve been going through, I don’t think, but uh, I was working on a chair the other day, kinda reminiscing. And it was nice! But when I thought too hard about Raven’s Roost there was this sort of, uh, blankness? It wasn’t like static or anything! Whatever I was thinking about, it just...wasn’t there.” He says. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Taako pales. “Yeah, no buddy, that’s not...uh, you gave that up, in Wonderland.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Magnus stiffens, “I gave up...memories?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well more of a specific one, but yeah. I mean it makes you feel any better, you did kinda say <em> not </em> to try to remind you of it, so uh c’est la vie, my dude.” He answers.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Barry’s hands start to shake a little, and Lup puts her arm around his shoulder. Taako and Kravitz politely pretend not to notice.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay yeah sure, but- it was... w- was it important?” Magnus asks, the tight grip on his fork only loosening slightly. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Taako tries to think back, to try and remember what Magnus told him more clearly. He almost gets it, but the closer he gets to that memory of Wonderland, he gets lightheaded and static starts to creep in the edges of his vision. He grips the counter and stops himself from thinking about Wonderland at all, just to be safe. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Nope.” Taako shakes his head, and Krav puts a hand on his waist to help steady him, “That’s one’s off-limits for me. Ask again later, or check the notebook, it’s probably in there somewhere.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Magnus looks worried, probably about both Taako and what he gave up in Wonderland. He looks like he’s deciding whether to push the topic when Barry eagerly jumps on the opportunity to grill Taako. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So just right then, you couldn’t remember? It was static?” He asks, leaning forward on the bar.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“More or less, my dude,” Taako responds, keeping his tone light. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And there’s no pattern to what you can and can’t remember? Does it change?” Barry leans forward. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t know, sometimes there are just things that-” He thinks back to yesterday evening, and it clicks. He snaps his fingers and looks at Lup, “Tia Fajita! <em> That’s </em>who we got the churro recipe from!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lup looks at him like he’s gone insane, “Yeah?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kravitz shakes his head, exasperated, “That’s what he was trying to remember yesterday. It’s what set off the...episode.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay,” She says, “But you can remember it now, so it does change. But there’s no pattern?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Not that I can think of,” Taako says, carefully thinking through his episodes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She blinks slowly, a face Taako had seen many times when it came to homework and experiments alike. He’s not sure he likes her thinking about him like that. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I have an idea. And uh sorry, Taquito- but if we’re looking for a pattern, you’re probably not the best person to ask.” She winces.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, no, that’s fair.” He says, perfectly aware that his memory is shitty.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lup goes to grab the notebook and comes back, setting it open on the table.</p>

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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It should probably be concerning that I find it so fun to fuck up my favorite characters. Did you order Taako, Lup, Barry, and Magnus angst? Because it's a special. Also, it's probably easy to see that my Lup and Taako are Hispanic, and I know there was that whole thing that Griffin said about the tex-mex naming and the Hispanic headcanon being problematic together; but consider, I'm Hispanic and I think it's hilarious.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Listen, I'm not even sure if the TAZ fandom is still alive but this wouldn't leave me alone so I had to write it. I also do want to finish it eventually, cause I have maybe 4 more chapters I wanna write for this, so I guess we'll see if I can actually commit to it. Also, I'm very aware that my tenses are all fucked up, but I'm gonna say that it was intentional, because of the whole memory issue thing. Really I'm just horrible at tenses and I really don't wanna fix them. Either way, I really enjoyed writing this so I hope y'all enjoy reading it!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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